Friday Fun!

Lots going in the world this week, the gravity of most I can't really address here.  Since you are reading this, I can only assume that life is going pretty well for you. You own a computer, you have internet access and you have room in your busy schedule and cluttered brain for semi-useless information and my humble opinions. Let's just keep our relationship positive, OK?  The weight of the world has no place here. I got complaints when I addressed shark cruelty, so I'm thinking you don't want me to weigh in on Haiti, the State of the Union, or any other issue that is remotely depressing or complex.  Don't worry, I'm down with keeping it surface.

Here are some highlights that aim to please. Gotta start the weekend off on a high note.

Friday Fun starts....now!

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Useless Info: Lasers and Bubble Wrap - Golden Anniversaries

"I am going to focus like a laser beam on this economy.”

Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation

Yep, that's right, laser is an acronym, like many other things that sound super cool to say, like NASA or DEFCON or SyFy.  And it's super old.  50 years old to be exact. Though the first working laser performed successfully in May of 1960, 2010 is the the year of the laser.  Just check out LaserFest 2010 if you need to get your geek on.  If it weren't for lasers we wouldn't have the CD's that we never listen to or the DVD's that are about to become obsolete. We wouldn't have an even more tripped out way to experience Floyd or a way to make U2 tolerable. We wouldn't have gotten to hear Dr. Evil say,"You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads!"  Terrible movie, great quote. Then there's this guy who built a working Phaser, but I think it can only be set to balloon stun, thankfully.  Check out the dude's video here.

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Talk Shows Blow

 Oh, wait a sec, I think Google image messed up.

It was the mid to late 90's.  I didn't sleep a lot.  I regularly drank at Philly's best dive bar; recalling it now, I swear I can smell hot dogs and Jack.  It was a magical time.  I didn't even have an email address and I never missed Late Night with Conan O'Brien.  Back then Conan did bits about how nobody watched him, he featured bands not many of heard of and he featured lots of wacky skits and characters (Pimpbot5000, that golf cart studio tour thing, The Year 2000, Triumph, those weird talking mouth and lots of odd bit actors that looked strangely enough like writers).  Without the pressure of a good time slot, he was free to do crazy shit.  Sure, I hadn't even watched Late Night since Andy left when Conan took over the coveted Tonight Show slot in June from the head of the Evil League of Evil, and I can only assume he was still being relatively edgy and entertaining.  But, Andy was coming back and that seemed to make up for Conan's move to LA.  I swore I would stay up late or at least DVR it or something.  I did neither.  I get up really early in the morning, fair readers.

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The Year of Living Awesomely

Leela: "I feel like I just went ten rounds with Mighty Thor."    Fry: "I feel like I was mauled by Jesus."

Man, am I glad 2009 is so over.  And now I'm one week down in my little Messianic gge (as someone named Bob just reminded me).  That's right for a whole week now I've been the same age Jesus might have been probably quite possibly when he was killed.  Wow. Makes you think. Or...wait...it makes me think.  At 33 he sort of founded a religion, was persecuted hence beginning a legacy that resulted in millions and millions of people believing in love, peace on earth and some of them for some reason believing that dudes shouldn't marry other dudes, or goats 'cause that's like the same thing.  What have I done in the last 33 years?  Holy crap, I only have 51 more weeks to make something frickin' awesome happen.

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WGA apparently just as lazy as I am.

Happy Tuesday, fair readers!

Did you see the musical number at the end of How I Met Your Mother last night?  $10 to anyone who can tell me why the hell it was written in a key that was clearly uncomfortable for all involved.  There is a moment when NPH is standing on cab and his voice actually enters the "dog only" range.  Check it out here if that appeals to you for some reason.

"Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game."

In other news of mediocrity, the Writers Guild of America released its nominations for their 2009 honors yesterday.  For the first time ever, I have see or intentionally skipped nearly all of the flicks on the list.  And this is not because I saw everything this year. I'm a mainstream critic (as you know by now) because it's just way easier than art house shit. I went to art school, I have no desire to dip back into that land of theory and fruitless effort. Anyway, I know all the nominees this year because the Guild has apparently grown tired of working at watching too. How cool is that?

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Movie Review: Daybreakers

I actually paid for a movie this weekend. Here's how it went...

Uncle Vampire Sam Wants you for his Vampire Army.

Never has vampire slaying been so explosive. No, that’s not a metaphor. In Daybreakers, brought to us by Australia’s Spierig brothers, accepted vampire lore (no reflections, sunlight deadly, etc.) has been elaborated upon by having the bloodsuckers literally explode in a cloud of flame or viscera when staked. It’s just one of the many grotesque and gimmicky traits that make it laugh-out-loud B movie fun. Sure, there are numerous wasted opportunities concerning plot and characters that keep Daybreakers from being a true stand out in the genre, but an Aussie camp and dialogue that could have been written for a SyFy Channel original movie provides a moderately engaging excuse for eating theater popcorn. Daybreakers is really dumb, hilariously and inexplicably sloppy as far as story is concerned, but there is little teen angst, so that’s a big plus. We are presented with a dystopian vampire world where humans are hunted and the few that remain struggle for basic necessities like food, shelter and bras. And it’s mostly an eye-rolling snicker-fest best to be enjoyed with friends and fellow audience members who don’t mind a little MST3K style audience participation.

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Happy Friday, I guess.

I'll be back next week for real. Promise.  I know it says "read more" at the bottom of this post, but it's a lie.

I hate excuses (and yet am really good at making them up) but I think if I admit there is a problem I will be better equipped to correct it.  I'm just having trouble getting back to the old keyboard.  Too much information and a plethora of holiday/birthday fun combined with a serious case of irresponsibility has left me uninspired.  I'm sure Twitter is to blame somehow.

In the meantime, feel free to leave writing topics in the comments section. Some I have already received include: a brief history of video games, my 2010 wrap up (which is totally not happening, I've tried to write it twice now) and anything that isn't a straight-up movie review.

What's your 2 cents, other fair readers?

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Movie Review: Avatar

Yeah, I know it's been like awhile.  I have a few plans for improvement of this here blog for 2010, but really what I need is more time. So, if anyone has any extra, feel free to email it to me.

But, back to business.  I saw Avatar last week, avoided reading any and all reviews and then broke it down for just for you, fair readers. We have never seen anything like Avatar before. James Cameron (Aliens, Titanic) delivers a seamless, rich and all-engrossing 3D experience with CGI that looks and feels completely authentic.  The uncanny valley has been conquered and yet Avatar is still just a bloated fantasy movie with a weak script and recycled devices. For once the digital effects are so good that one is left to only dwell on the art direction, story and characters.  Uh-oh.  Gratuitous use of phosphorescence, problematic otherness, plot holes and general cheesiness keep Avatar from being more than just a corny, uber-fantastical cartoon — a really elaborate, $400 million-plus (including marketing) cartoon that looks nothing like any film or animated feature that has come before it.  When a movie looks this good who needs a good story?

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Top Chef Finale! Who won? 'Cause I totally couldn't watch it.

I actually know who won Top Chef, I just didn't get to see. I'm not very happy with the result.

I'm just not feeling it lately, fair readers. My ideas are shit, I'm distracted by tinsel and cookies and I've lost the ability to half-watch crappy movies at random on cable whilst doing things around the house.  Yes, that's right we've canceled cable.  You will be the first to know that the moment I hung up with the very persistent Comcast representative after she confirmed that the technician would come by and shut off our cable from the outside at 9am the next morning, well, there were actual tears in my eyes.  I believe I uttered the words, "This sucks, " in my most self-pitying tone.  Two moments later I determined that this emotional response further justified our decision to cut the time sucking cord, not just for our bank account, but for my very soul.  Don't worry, fair readers, I did not suddenly become some born-again self-righteous holier-than-though too-good-for-TV jerk. You know those people at parties who declare without a hint of sadness that they, "don't even own a TV and don't even miss it."  Well, I miss my time suck dearly, mostly because last night I had to suffer through Glee since our HD antenna didn't really present any other options.  Please feel free to leave your reasons why you think Glee is good in the comments section, but know that I will totally hold it against you.  No, I'm kidding. No, I'm not. Maybe.

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Movie Review: Up In The Air

"It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on Earth has ever produced the phrase, 'as pretty as an airport.' Airports are ugly. Some are very ugly. Some attain a degree of ugliness that can only be the result of a special effort."*

It’s not often when an actor's third film of the season turns out to be a perfect culmination of personae and character, as it is for George Clooney in Jason Reitman's smart and slick “Up In The Air,” now in limited release, opening nationwide Christmas day.  “Up In The Air” is the Clooney vehicle and it's also a film that nearly everyone will like. But don't worry is has more than just Clooney’s charm and soothing car commercial voice.  This story of a middle aged traveling corporate downsizer (AKA “terminator”) and part-time motivational speaker is a crowd-pleasing feel good movie that still manages to address the current job crisis, a mid-life crisis and plenty of relationship drama.  But these doses of reality never ground “Up In The Air” and it beautifully balances the heavy issues with clever lessons on air travel and some very witty yet natural banter.  It also features two supporting female characters that are just as appealing and developed as Clooney's.  Really.

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