Purchased costumes - don't let this be you. Ever.
Does this happen to you every year? It's October 30th, you have a few promising party invites and are reinvigorated by The Great Pumpkin but you forgot one thing...your costume. You assumed that something would come together but you had that work thing come up that one night and made the inexplicable choice to watch Under the Tuscan Sun in TBS instead of making that trip to Joanne Fabrics and now you're fucked. Your costume is going to be super lame and all the younger arty kids you hang out with are going to think you are equally as lame. This is just a hypothetical scenario of course, but I'm sure it happens to everyone.
Well, this year I've got your back. I'm making you start early so that you don't feel half as bad as last year when you saw that hipster in the homemade foam slice of pizza costume and were forced to reevaluate your commitment to Halloween and therefore your ability to still have fun as an adult. I'm here to help. I'm here for you because I care about you and the spirit of Halloween. And I don't want you to go as a sexy Vampire again, OK?
OK, this one is sort of obvious, but I think it could be both offensive to mass producing women and Disney, so that's a plus. As you can imagine, it's really important that you adhere the baby dolls to your rows of nipples securely. You don't want to drop a baby at some point during the night, that would be neglectful and weird. Wait, let me back up. Do your best Angelina Jolie, glue some baby bottle nipples to your shirt and then glue some babies to them and voila! You're ready for Halloween and you look super sexy.
Dead Mad Men
"Oooh, have you seen Mad Men? It's like so awesome and layered. What you don't watch it? What's wrong with you?" God, those people are so irritating! (And we're totally right). But, if you're sick of the hype or just into making cool shows you like more Halloweeny, why not try dead-ing up Mad Men? You still get to wear the cool clothes and act all Don Drapery - aloof, misogynistic, extremely intuitive about human nature, deeply conflicted and zombie-like all at the same time. Think thrift store clothes all shredded up and fresh from the grave + disheveled 60's doo + Scotch + lots of smoking = one awesome Halloween. Oooh, ooooh, I call dead pregnant wine guzzling chain smoking Betty! One note, if you're a lady remember no eating in your Dead Mad Men costume - it would be totally out of character.
This might be a one-liner and kind of lame, but going as "Your Mom" would provide me with hours of cheap giggles. Mom jeans, a dated hair style, scattered thoughts, clogs and sensible purse. "What are you supposed to be?" they'll ask you. And you'll reply in a voice that you imagine a tweenager might use, "Your mom." Please note: you have to be prepared for the possibility that the person you reply "Your mom" to might actually have like a dead mom or a really shitty mom and this may cause a temporary buzz kill during the festivities. But, Halloween is all about risk! I mean, that's why we eat candy given to us by strangers, right?
If there's one thing J.J. Abrams did this year it was make Star Trek super hot. That Stark Trek porn circulated around the Interweb earlier this year and America now knows that there's nothing more bangable than a green chick in her panties. Presumably, the sexed-up Star Trek was only a reaction to the general increase in attractiveness of the fan base in recent years. It's 2009, the future is now. Trekkers are way hotter than they were back then when we didn't have affordable teeth whitening, spastic diarrhea inducing over the counter weight loss pills and the abundance of Photoshop use that communicates how human SHOULD look. We're totally hot now, so I say, "Break out the sexy Star Trek outfits." Engage indeed.
But, wait, Megan, you're thinking, what makes this Sexy Trekker different from the others we might have seen? I mean, you think, you can make anything sexy/slutty - doctors, nurses, Janet Reno - why is your Sexy Trekker idea interesting? Well, my only answer is that's it's really hard to come up with 5 unique costume ideas that are both entertaining and maybe even clever and I saw The Invention of Lying last night so I didn't get home until really late and I'm just doing the best I can. So, just go with it. OK?
Costumes to avoid:
- Characters from shows that have only had a season or two so far or were canceled too soon. Adam and I went as Liz Lemon and Kenneth the Page in 2007 and no one got it. No one.
- Puns. Puns should be avoided in life too. They are not funny. I hate them. I don't want to see any Swine Flus out there this year. Or cereal killers. Or anyone w/a baby strapped to their ass. Get it? Babysitter. Ugh, I want to kill myself (or someone else) just thinking about it!
- Viral costumes. You know those that get circulated and featured in your aunt's emails. You may think people might forget about them in a year and you can mooch off the creativity of another, but you can't. They will know and you will feel silly. Some web classics include: that lady from The Birds surrounded by birds, anyone holding their own head and a dead Michael Jackson. That last one is a prediction.
So there you have it. You are now armed with the tools to make Halloween 2009 not suck. You have to do your part now. Open up your mind and your crafting kits to the possibilities. You can do it. Or, if you have disposable income you can always rent an awesome costume that ultimately the homemade folks, even the really good ones, will be jealous of. It's your choice, but nothing says Halloween like a costume that rocks for 3 hours then proceeds to slowly fall part leaving little pieces of it in cabs and houses ultimately popping up again weeks later. So that's where that fake scar went! I just thought I had an STD!
Make this Halloween a happy one. Get to work you pansy-asses!