Wednesday, March 18, 2009

7 Signs of the Facebook Apocalypse

Best profile pic ever.

Look, we all thought Facebook was stupid. I would regularly scold my Work Study employees for logging in during their shifts just 4 years ago. I said something like, “Listen, you can do the Facebook or whatever on your time. Right now you need to find something constructive to do so I don’t look like a bad manager. OK?” They were like 19, and I at 28 could never imagine ever being a member of a community that essentially started as an Ivy League yearbook designed to proclaim who’s hot or not – it was originally called Facemash. Sounds just lovely, doesn’t it?

Now FB is a wonderful place of positivity and triviality. It's a place where you can see what awesome things your “friends” are doing, who’s thinking what and who’s recommending which videos and/or articles are worthy enough to watch/read when you really should be working. Occasionally, folks share political views by posting article links or joining groups to support various causes. But there is no conflict on FB. Such posts are simply ignored or “liked”. There is no real dialogue on FB, just sharing and celebration. It can be a very nice “place” most of the time. At least that is how the post-college folks use it.

But I'm starting to sense rumblings from the pop culture powers that be and doom may be just over the horizon. Consider yourself warned.

Click read more for The 7 Signs, if you dare.

7 Signs of the Facebook Apocalypse (For Those of Us over 30)

7. Your younger relatives are secretly pissed that you can now see their pages, as well as their drunken antics, but not pissed enough to restrict your access.

6. Your status updates have gone from carefully crafted witty comments on the state of society or your place in the world to “Margie is tired.” or “George is really looking forward to watching TV tonight and then going to bed early.” We get it, work sucks.

5. You’ve now friended 600 people, of which only 200 of those you’ve actually met in person. Also, you use a word like "friended"which is not actually a real word.

4. You have more drinks, pokes, flowers, plants, teddy bears, Muppets, kidnaps, invites, groups, and/or things you are a fan of than any human should and yet you really don’t have any of it and are beginning to feel a bit empty inside. What is it all for if I can't get fulfillment out of my Little Green Patch?

3. You originally joined for “networking” but would seriously have to clean up some shit if you had to start job hunting tomorrow. Oh, and you have to defriend (another fake word) your high school buds that somehow manage to include bodily functions or sticking their dick in stuff in comments on about 40% of the content you post.

2. You haven’t seen your 4th grade best friend since 5th grade but you know what he/she ate for breakfast, how insanely large his/her 2nd child’s head is and how cool he/she thinks Sarah Palin’s new 2012 campaign posters are. Technology is a god send.

1. Your parents have joined. All of your parents. And they comment on your wall...a lot.
A good number of us have contemporary families. You know, mom and her boyfriend, dad and his, step-dad and his new wife. One person can easily have 4-6 people in their life that they have nowhere to put except in the “parent” category. When all of these figures join, the end is nigh. Luckily I’m only at 50%. The post-college folks started this migration, so you really can't blame technology savvy rents from joining in the fun, can you?

Feel free to add your own signs to the list, I'm sure I left some out.