Thursday, August 27, 2009

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus: so bad it's...

I'm not one to judge. If I found out my good friend was a former Canadian teen pop sensation, I would totally still be friends with her. And if crazy hat and pin wearing, jean jacket mall gallivanting Debbie Gibson wants to change her name to Deborah Gibson and star in a low budget movie about a Megalodon shark and enormous octopus froze in an ancient battle then awoken after some illegal government sonar tests somewhere off the coast of California but really near glaciers and ice bergs, well that would be swell with me.

Before I fill ya'll in on the spectacle that is Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus written and directed by Ace Hannah (AKA Jake Johnson and Jake Jackson - he mixes it up), you need to know one thing. I only watched 30 minutes of it.

What? This could happen. That bridge is just asking for it wearing all that red.

'Cause it sucked, but not because the production values rivaled every YouTube Dragon Ball Z tribute and not because the cinematography reminded of that really enthusiastic but extremely un-gifted student in every film class I've ever, I can let little things like production value, a terrible script and nonsensical edits go. But, what I can't stand is bad science. And this flick (meaning the first 30 minutes that I watched) is filled with bad, bad science.

OK, this is mean, but I don't think that the electric youth treatments Ms. Gibson has been receiving have really had that much of an affect.

Within the first 5 minutes of the flick we are given hints (like pictures of mountains and glaciers) that we are in an arctic location, but also somewhere a deep water submersible from California can get to really easily and quickly and where you will find humpback whales, hammerhead sharks, black tip reef sharks and a myriad of colorful tropical fish. I would totally buy that a giant octopus and Megalodon where frozen battle millions of years ago only the be reanimated and then take it revenge on invasions into their ancient world like deep sea oil rigs and battle ships - but black tips anywhere near an iceberg; give me a break. Jeez.

"Wow, this is incredible. If only you in the audience could see what we're seeing through the porthole. But even when we switch shots it's not going to feel like your seeing what we're looking at or even that it's part of the same movie. Sorry."

Even Gibson's porn star good looks and a potty-mouthed Lorenzo Lamas sporting his Renegade ponytail weren't enough to have made me finish watching this movie. I tried to add snarky comments and enjoy it for its irony, but there is a point when bad turns from good back to bad. Deborah, her Irish oceanography former prof and a studly Japanese scientist are kidnapped by Lamas' secret government operation and charged with finding a way to capture (not kill) these giant "menaces" and the first thing the team does is what any scientist would do - they break out the microscopes and beakers filled with colorful liquids.

So, if you've put this on your Queue for irony's sake, just make sure it's not the only film on the bill that night. I challenge you to get through all 90 minutes. But if you do have the strength to view crap of this level...I expect a full report.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus